by Brendan Beery
Last week, an Arizona Republican congressman made a classroom full of elementary-school students shit themselves with stories of radiation burns and suicide-bomber belts in toddler sizes. Because, you know, he couldn’t just explain how a bill becomes a law. He had to do that in terms that would drive any adult teabagger into a murderous lather.
According to the Washington Post, the offending “grownup,” Rep. Matt Salmon, “asked the children if they knew what a nuclear weapon was. One disturbed father, Scott Campbell, told a local CBS affiliate that Salmon then asked, ‘Do you know that there are schools that train children your age to be suicide bombers?’”
Apparently, some school personnel on scene cut Salmon off before he could ask, “Don’t you know that a big fatass can’t fit down a fucking chimney?” So poor Salmon wasn’t able to keep swimming against that current called discretion. He never did finish his presentation.
This leaves one wondering, what would he have said next? Thankfully, crack beeryblog correspondent Paddy O’Farniture (aka “The Weasel”) has obtained a copy of Salmon’s unfinished speech. Here it is (we pick up where Salmon left off):
Hi little boy. What’s your name? [Wait for name, then repeat name], did you know that, under existing law, you might have had an older sister who you’ve never even met? Her name was probably Cindy Lou, and she had pretty golden locks and cute, rosy cheeks. Do you know why you never met her? Because, thanks to our laws, your parents pulled her little limbs apart while she was still inside your mommy. Then they sucked her out with a vacuum cleaner and sold her parts to baby eaters!
Hi little girl. What’s your name? [Wait for name, then repeat name], did you know that when you ripen up a bit, boys will try to put nasty parts inside you? Here’s an aspirin. After you turn 12, hold this aspirin between your knees. Keep it there. Forever.
Hi little boy. What’s your name? [Wait for name, then repeat name], have you ever heard of the gays — the sodomites? They are nasty, seductive men who wear tight t-shirts, have shiny skin, and act like girls. They will try to do wicked things to your fanny. And take it from me, it hurts like a motherfucker.
Hi little girl. What’s your name? [Wait for name, then repeat name], have you ever seen a Mexican? That’s a brown person with calves the size of cantaloupes! If you see one, run away as fast as you can. He will either want to rape you and cut your head off or mow your parents’ lawn. Either way, run!
Oh, those Republicans. They sure are a ray of sunshine! Unfortunately for Salmon, the children he was addressing didn’t behave like adult conservatives. They didn’t run for their guns and take their posts; they did what reasonable people do on hearing Salmon’s worldview: they cried and ducked for cover.