Where’s Fluffy?

Read a news report out of Orlando the other day, explaining that a family lost a pet. As in, the pet somehow got out of its enclosure, and was on the loose in the neighborhood. A common experience, to be sure. Except that in this case, the family pet is one of the world’s most lethal snakes. It got us to thinking: how would you write that email to your homeowners’ association? Here’s our take on it.

Hi neighbor! We love Kathy Smith’s suggestion at last month’s HOA meeting that we make the annual “Fall Cleanup” into “Bring Your Pet Day.” What a wonderful way to share your love of animals with your neighbors. Which brings us to a small problem. We’re hoping all of you can help.

We were enjoying breakfast yesterday when little Cindy Lou burst into the kitchen in tears.

“Where’s Fluffy?” she wailed.

“Why, whatever do you mean?” we asked. “Isn’t she in her enclosure? Look again. You know how Fluffy is – she likes to play games. She’s a slippery one, that Fluffy.”

“No,” came Cindy Lou’s desperate response. “I’ve looked in all her usual hiding places – under your pillow, the coat closet, behind the washer and dryer. She’s gone!”

We immediately turned the house upside down doing a Fluffy search, until we discovered an open window through which we think she escaped. We’re asking you to help find our precious Fluffy. We thought a quick description might help. Fluffy is four years old and has beautiful black and tan markings, as you would expect of a purebred. She answers to Fluffy and will roll over and play dead on command. She prefers fresh over dried foods. Fluffy is long and thin and Fluffy’s head swells up when excited.

Fluffy gets nervous when strangers approach or try to pet her. You’ll be able to tell if Fluffy’s upset, we promise. Oh, and snake-mdFluffy tends not to do well with small children or other animals. Because she’s a bit on the small side for her type, she also has issues with lawnmowers, weed whackers, and similar yard implements. We suggest that for the time being, you not reach your hands into any cool, dark, damp places or receptacles, because those are among Fluffy’s “safe places.”

It would behoove you to give this pet rescue your undivided attention and best effort. By the way, did we mention that Fluffy is a full-grown, adult, female King fucking Cobra? Also, you might want to keep your pets inside, especially if you have a pet mongoose. You’ll want to be sure to find Fluffy before Fluffy finds lunch, which might take the form of Fido or Junior. If you find Fluffy, please call right away.

Have a blessed day. Your neighbors, The Joneses.

-by Dan and Bren


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