ASK CAMPBELL: Should Chris Christie put dog chips in immigrants?

[You might think the premise of this one is too far-fetched, but then you would be underestimating the modern Republican Party. Check the story here.]

CC from NJ writes,

Dear Campbell,

Some people say I’m crazy just because I proposed that we hire the CEO of FedEx to develop technologies to help us track fer-ners like FedEx tracks packages. Some assholes are even saying that I’m equating human beings to packages. But they’re halfwits. I’m not saying they are packages. I’m just saying we should treat them like packages. Sheesh.

Anyway, like I said at a weekend campaign rally, “We need to have a system that tracks you from the moment you come in. And then when your time is up…then we go get you. Tap you on the shoulder and say excuse me, thanks for coming, time to go.”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie speaks at the Tampa Bay Times Forum in Tampa, Florida, on August 28, 2012 during the Republican National Convention. AFP PHOTO Stan HONDA (Photo credit should read STAN HONDA/AFP/GettyImages)

In addition to tracking these aliens, I also want to set up bubble-wrap stations in every county in the USA. Real Americans, when they catch an expired immigrant, can throw ‘em in the back of the pick-up truck and bring ‘em to the local bubble-wrap station. We’ll have ‘em processed and shipped back to Hispaniland in no time flat.

Now, we have to be realistic about this. Some pipsqueaks are saying we should tattoo bar codes on brown people’s asses or foreheads – or worse yet, use FedEx stickers. Ha! What morons! You know these criminal rapists will just rip or scrape them off. No sir, Mr. C, we need a better plan than that, which brings me to why I’m writing you.

I think we need microchips. And we need to plant ‘em real down deep where the aliens can’t get at ‘em by digging around (you know they all have those switchblade knives). But I know it might sound a little, er, inhumane to chip a person like he’s a dog. However, Frank Luntz told me we could massage the message a bit to make it more palatable. He said we should frame it not as tracking people like animals or parcels, but helping the browns feel more human knowing that we care about them and their whereabouts.

That’s where you come in. As a microchipped dog, you’re as good a person to ask as any Mexican. Doesn’t your chip make you feel cared for – like your daddy cares where you are and wants to always take care of you? I sure hope so, and I hope I can use your answer as a testimonial in support of my policy proposals.

Yours truly, CC from NJ

Well, CC, you probably won’t want to use my answer as a testimonial, but I do invite you to stick it up your walloping ass. The chip doesn’t make me feel special; it makes me feel like a dog. A fucking dog. It means my human can find me any time he wants. No bolting from the house on a glorious morn to pollinate neighborhood bitches; no chasing mail-dogs to the end of the county; no frolicking on the wrong side of the fence.

Do you know what it’s like to be under the thumb of a lazy fat guy who never wants you to have any fun? Just ask one of your kids.

If you want to microchip others and then bubble-wrap their asses back to whence they came, I’m afraid you’ll have to do it without my blessing.

-Mr. C

by Brendan Beery


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