What President Obama Should Have Said

by Dan Ray

Friend of beeryblog and Ask Campbell inguisitor “PJ from Louisiana” has been on quite a letter-writing campaign lately. Turns out that at or around the same time he was bending the ear of the C-Man, he was also writing to none other than the President of these United States, Barack Obama. Seems the President was in New Orleans this week to commemorate the tenth anniversary of the Katrina disaster. Happily, our man PJ was on hand to prevent Mr. Obama from inadvertently offending the howling screech monkeys who deny the reality of climate change. A small taste of PJ’s sage, non-politicized advice: obama-jindal

While you and others may be of the opinion that we can legislate away hurricanes with higher taxes, business regulations and EPA power grabs, that is not a view shared by many Louisianians. I would ask you to respect this important time of remembrance by not inserting the divisive political agenda of liberal environmental activism.

Your intrepid reporters here at beeryblog were able to track down an earlier draft of remarks President Obama was to deliver upon his arrival in New Orleans. How were we able to pull off this journalistic coup? Dan Ray’s fourth cousin, twice-removed – Paddy O’Farniture – code-named “The Weasel,” is a deep, deep undercover operative in the White House. Ray was able to use this connection to get a copy of the President’s draft remarks. Sadly, this version was scrapped in favor of the one the President actually used.

DRAFT OF PRESIDENT’S REMARKS – DO NOT RELEASE!!

Governor Jindal and distinguished guests, welcome, and thank you to everyone for coming out to commemorate this important occasion. I’d especially like to recognize my close friend and confidant, Bobby Jindal. Our trip to New Orleans is part of a wider effort over the next several days to raise awareness about the impact of global climate change – an impact that all of you here in Louisiana have experienced first-hand. Katrina was one of the most costly disasters ever to take place on American soil, costly not just in terms of dollars and cents, but human suffering as well.

I know my friend Bob takes these things seriously. Why, before I flew down here, he wrote me a long letter telling me that I should take care not to insert “the divisive political agenda of liberal environmental activism” into this somber remembrance. When one so learned in matters of politics and governance is so concerned about politicizing an event that he himself preemptively politicizes it, I take that inspiring leadership to heart. This is, after all, the man who just a few years ago told Republicans they “must stop being the stupid party,” something Bob knows all-too-well. This is a man who has his finger up Louisiana’s [pulse? Doesn’t sound right here. BO wants a better word – get speechwriters working on it].

As Bob has said to me many times, man-made climate change is the most serious threat facing not just Louisiana and the United States, but the entire world. Like all of you, Bob knows – he’s said it to me many times – that the biggest culprit in this slow-motion climate change disaster is the multinational petrochemical industry. Bob has urged me to take on greedy oil and gas interests like the Koch brothers, and at his strong urging, as well as that of his friends like Jeb!, Marco Rubio, and Scott Walker, I’ve directed a host of federal agencies, including the Justice Department, EPA, and the National Security Administration, to investigate their activities with a fine-tooth comb. We must hold polluters to account for the harms they do to the environment and all of us, and as Bob knows, there’s no place better to start than right here in New Orleans. Throw a few of their fat-cat asses in the slammer, and they’ll quit bitching about a carbon tax real quick.

It takes great courage for Bobby to stand up for the environment this way. This isn’t a popular position to take in some GOP circles. Indeed, this is precisely the kind of thing that could end an up-and-coming Republican’s political career. Guess it’s a good thing he isn’t running for higher office, right Bob?

Upon leaving the New Orleans airport, Jindal was overheard saying “Whose idea was the fucking letter? Whose idea?? Maybe Rick Perry needs a running mate. Goddamn, politics is hard!”

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