A 12-step program for Josh Duggar’s “rehab”

by Brendan Beery

Josh Duggar, the first of the 19 casualties spawned by a hairpiece called Jim Bob and a broodmare called Michelle, has announced that he has checked into “rehab.”

Josh cops neither to being a drug addict nor an alcoholic. So far as we can tell, his problem has been that, while his keepers were jamming his cranium full of Old-Tetament swill, he was becoming so sexually pent up that molesting little sisters started to seem like the only available means of “acting out.” Always the compliant Evangelical – and never true to his own nature – he naturally ripened into a raging deviant.

Being a horny asshole is not an addiction, of course. For most of us (at least most of us males), it’s called a stage. You grow into it, and then you grow out of it. Unfortunately, growing out of it requires growing into it first. And nothing can stunt that kind of growth like the shame enjoined by mythological literalists.

Since there is no addiction here to treat, one wonders with regard to Josh’s program, rehab from what? Is there such a thing as asshole rehab? 19-kids-and-counting

For Josh Duggar to be rehabilitated, he would have to unlearn and un-experience his entire upbringing and the entire psychological tangle undergirding his belief system. Is there a hypnotist out there who can bring him back to his first breath and say, now stay there and let’s start over?

What afflicts Josh Duggar is what afflicts millions of others like him: fundamentalist religion. Is rehab possible? The good news is that religious dogmatism, unlike sexual orientation, is not physiologically immutable. So maybe “reparative therapy” would have a shot here.

I won’t spend too much brainpower trying to conceptualize an appropriate 12-step program; mental healthcare is not my bailiwick. But I will take an unlearned stab at a program that might at least be a useful start:

  1. Admit that there is no sky-man supervising your life.
  2. Admit that the path you have taken is your own.
  3. Embrace your sexual fantasies and impulses as a natural component of human animalhood.
  4. Accept that you are a horny asshole: own it.
  5. Make a list of all the people who taught you to believe in a sky-man and accept that they have destroyed your life.
  6. Confront every person on that list and tell them to fuck off.
  7. Make a list of every bullshit rule in the Book of Levitcus.
  8. Make a list of every person you have hurt by trying to impose that bullshit list.
  9. Personally apologize to each such person while naked and prostrate.
  10. Be a good lad and divorce your wife: set her free from the fate of your mare.
  11. Punch Jim Bob in the face.
  12. Stand facing the Duggar Family Compound. Now turn around 180 degrees and run like hell.
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