Gluttonous Sloth Still Won’t Issue Gay Marriage Licenses

by Brendan Beery

A federal judge ordered a squishy, oatmealy Kentucky county clerk called Kim Davis to issue marriage licenses two weeks ago. Instead of complying, she locked herself in her office, balled up like a 400-pound weanling, and refused to come out.

AP Photo/Timothy D. Easley

AP Photo/Timothy D. Easley

The judge who issued the order felt sorry for Kim, what with all her wailing and gyrating, so he said she could wait to comply with his order until a higher court ruled. It did rule, against Kim. Then the Supreme Court ruled, again against Kim.  But Kim still refuses to comply.

Why? Because religion, of course.

Here is my open letter to Kim Davis:

September 1, 2015

Dear Kim,

As long as we’re going to judge others, let’s run through some of the sins that you manifest just by appearing and opening your mouth. Some of them are quite deadly:

  • Gluttony

Now, Kim. If you’re going to judge others for arbitrary reasons, you should do it from behind a curtain. A very big curtain. Because it doesn’t take long for any victim of your bile to start seeing reasons to judge you that aren’t quite so arbitrary.

Kim, your failure to abide federal court orders is, at this point, contempt of court. In fact, you’re in contempt of all humanity. And you’ve earned our contempt right back. Being in contempt of court is a dangerous thing, because you could be thrown in a pen, forced to wallow in your own filth, and fed slop from a swine trough. But in your case, it looks like that would just be the status quo.

  • Sloth

Kim, Kim, Kim. Unkempt is not a good look. Is county clerk a job? Because most of us don’t go to work in stretchy pj’s. Your whole presentation just screams out, I’ve given up on myself! You should put a sign outside your office that reads, “I don’t move, and if I try, my ankles swell up. (Oh, and please don’t feed the county clerk. She’ll be wheeled to a trough soon enough.)”

  • Lust

There’s a whiff of androgyny about you, Kim. There’s usually a reason – beyond just mythological literalism – for a real hang-up about other people’s sexuality. And it usually has to do with your own. It’s okay to be angry and shrill. That’s how anybody would be after being sexually pent up for so many years. Kim, it’s okay to like girls. I mean only girls. That way. Nobody would judge you for it, if only you’d stop projecting your self-loathing onto innocent gay men.

  • Envy

We get it, Kim. If you can’t have your cake and eat it too, then no cake for anybody! If you have to live a life bereft of romance, desire, and the ecstatic entanglement of the flesh, then so will everyone else.

  • Greed

You’re in good company here, Kim. This you have in common with almost all your teabagging confederates (I use that term advisedly): narcissism. It’s all about you, isn’t it Kim? I’ll bet your first word as a pasty little bundle of joy was “MINE!” It’s certainly not about your constituents, right? It’s certainly not about the law. It’s certainly not about your oath.

Once you’re out of a job (that should be soon enough), we all know what you’re going to do next, Kim. You’re going to collapse that titanic ass onto a reinforced sofa, elevate those swollen ankles, and open a GoFundMe page. And it will work, too. Pasty teabaggers from all over ‘Mer-ka will be shoveling slop into the trough. Your endless appetites – for foodstuffs, for attention, for pity, for malice – they will all, no doubt, be sated.

  • Wrath

Hell hath no fury like a mythological literalist! Frankly, when I envisioned God’s legions swooping down from above, I had something a little more impressive in mind than … Kim Davis. But who am I to choose God’s vessel of wrath? It’s the odd archangel that expresses Heaven’s fury by hiding in an office. But God works in mysterious ways.

  • Pride

Was it good for you, Kim? That sensation of being better than? Did you have fun playing queen for a while, imposing your own edicts, ignoring the commands of your superiors, and knowingly causing real people to feel pain, rejection, humiliation, and isolation? I hope you enjoyed it, Kim, because you know when pride cometh …

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